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Kris Kingle / White Elephant / Secret Santa - Shit the Bed is the king of Secret Santa. Add toilet paper or new undies to be even funnier. If you know the person won’t eat it or will be offended, get them Hot Honey. Everyone loves it. If your budget stretches to $59 Chockers will not fail you.

Do they like Cherry Ripes? - get Cherry Amore

Do they like eating chocolate or Snickers Bars or drinking Baileys - Chockers.

Are they normally a Gin drinker? - get them Zingle. Had great feedback from gin drinkers that this is like Gin on steroids.

Do they like lollies of any kind or the Billsons Tangle Cocktails? Zingle will change their life.

Are they normally a Rum drinker? Get them Everything’s Farrked Spiced Grog. THEY WILL LOVE IT! Especially if they drink Spiced Rum like Kraken or Sailor Jerrys. All men love this drink.

Have you ever seen them drink Fire Ball Whiskey? Get them our Cinni Buns. It’s way better.

Are they a sitting round the pool or going to the beach kind of person? - Get Mango No. 5.

Do they love going on holidays to Bali, Fiji or Thailand all the time? Get them Mango No. 5. People who are cocktail lovers dig it big time.

Do they drink Espresso Martinis? Get them Chockers. Tell them to just add it to coffee. Instant Espresso Martini.

Are they a bloke who likes to go camping and lighting fires and being a bit blokey with his mates? Get him Cinni Buns. He’ll also love the Spiced Grog.

Do they own a boat? Get them Everything’s Farrked Spiced Grog. Especially if you want to be invited on the boat.

Do they love eating fruit? - Get Mango No. 5

Mum / Dad / Inlaw parents/ Aunts / Uncles/ Gran / Pop: Anyone that you wish to appear “like a fine person who turned out good” in front of, get them one of our new liquors. Chockers is the most universally appealing. Followed closely by Cherry Amore if you know they like Cherry Ripes. But if you don’t know, don’t risk it. Get the Chockers.

Old School Grans and Pops who drink Sherry and Port: Get them Cinni Buns. The cinnamon flavour has ties to old fashioned lollies and gum that they will vibe with, so long as they like booze and sweet stuff.

Nieces and Nephews over 18 all the way up to pre-kids? Get them Zingle or Mango No. 5.

Heatseekers - Men (or women) who proclaim to be “real men” - get them the Hot Ones pack. That’ll shut them up and give some good entertainment at lunch.

Families or couples who love BBQing and entertaining. Maybe one person is a foodie and one likes it spicy, get ‘The Complete Set’ of our 8 sauces.

Foodies love our ‘Flavours Range’. They’re not too hot and they will love them all.

BBQing bros - get them our Flavours Range or just the Hot Honey on its own and pretend you know about ribs n marinades n stuff. They’ll know what to do with it.

Teenagers who can’t drink yet: Shit the Bed or Hot Honey. Depending on how much you like them / want to hurt them. But personally I don’t think teenagers deserve presents. See below.

And if you really don’t know what they want you can always buy them a gift card for our site and let them decide.

Annnnd that’s my gift guide. I went through everyone in my family in my head when I did this and we really have got most people covered. Except of course for kids.

You’re shit out of luck in my online shop. I’ll be seeing you in the toy section of K-Mart on December 24, gimme a wink. Now look, (condescending tone) I’ve been a parent for over 9 years now. I’ve only backed my station wagon into the Roller Door once and I’ve only ever forgot to put a kid to bed without a nappy on once too. (She dropped a huge log in the sleeping bag. Didn’t even wake up. What a champion.) So as you can see I’m pretty good at this. Here’s my present advice for kids if you find them scary and weird:

Babies (up to 18 months) - a soft toy. Get a Bluey one. Unicorse is elite! It’s a puppet that allows parents to be rude to our kids under the guise of being “in character”. Or just buy the parents a bottle of Liquor. They’ll need it more than the kid needs another teddy.

Little kids (under 4) they like pop-up books. Books are great. They don't end up in landfill. You can also get great kids books at the second hand shops. Please do this if you can!!

Kids 4 and over - arts and crafts stuff. You get good sets with paint pots and ceramic stuff to paint in K-mart or Red Dot. Boys and girls like doing these. Kids up to 10 like doing this sort of stuff. Just get age appropriate ones. Avoid unnecessary plastic stuff please.

Kids over 10 - Give them money in a card. (Check with the parents first if they’re OK with it.) Even 10 bucks seems like loads to kids these days. Unless their parents give them heaps of cash all the time and you risk the kids saying “You’re cheap. Mum said you were cheap and this proves it”. Instead buy those brats books. Go to a second hand shop with your 10 bucks and buy a heap of age appropriate books for those wonderful “miracles.” You can get whole sets of books for big money like that at the Salvos.

STOP BUYING KIDS PRESENTS BY AGE 13 TO GET THEM USED TO THE REAL WORLD. Just tell them “It’s a well known fact that non parental adults stop giving kids presents when they turn 13. Everyone knows this. Your parents should have told you. Shame on them for not managing your expectations” (and just walk off. They might let your tyres down or egg your car. But it’ll work out cheaper in the long run.)

Happy gifting,

Renae Bunster

Global President